• "Come on, Caveman, let's go break the law to fulfill your primitive needs."

• I've bought Cliche Software's Burnout Menu 2. It's a fantastic little app that's like a very very robust to do list. There's a pulldown and iPod sync and all kinds of other shit. Good times, good times.

Hey, does anyone out there know if you can buy a blank notebook of just checklists? Like, a notebook with a row of blank boxes on the left side of each page?

• Paris Hilton is apparently hosting Saturday Night Live this week.

Gawker was running a contest where they solicited ideas for possible sketches. I have an idea, but it's not really for a sketch, so I thought I'd post it here:

Paris Hilton gets eaten by wild dogs.

The show starts with a HARDBALL sketch or whatever and then there's the credits, and then we open on the stage as Paris is lowered upside down from the cieling. Like the audience at a Galhager show, everyone in the first three rows would be wearing rain slickers and have sheets of plastic to protect them from splatter.

So, some wild dogs are released on stage. They procede to eat Paris Hilton alive for 28 minutes. Then, commerical break. Then, WEEKEND UPDATE. Then, the dogs keep eating her for the remaining 48 minutes of show.

• Josh reads the comics so you don't have to.

• Except for Brian Fies' online strip called Mom's Cancer, which you have to read. It's a sincere and touching document of, well, a Mom stuck by cancer, and the family that came to her side.

You can read an interview with Brian here, if you like.

I read Mom's Cancer before the holiday and was quietly overwhelmed by the strip.

• Please continue to share your memories of being creeped out by STAR TREK.

• So, the smoking thing- I'm smoking, like, one cigarette a day, and chewing a shitload of gum. As such, I've been biting the fuck out of my lips, which inevetably turn into canker sores. Anyone got a kitchen sink cure for 'em? Ambesol leaves a lot to be desired.

• What was the first boobies on the internet? Seriously. Anyone know what was the first dirty picture on the web?

• Maiko Kuzunishi, ace MK12 design assassin, has fired up the Decoylab 2005 Calendar Project. You send her your address and she sends you a monthly calendar that she designed. It's free art in the mail. Click the shit out of it.

Also: the "Contact" page is my favorite page on Decoy Lab. "Executed with Neatness."

• This killed too much time at the office today: Bad Mags, a collection of exploitation magazine covers. The image over there on the left is one 'em.

• How is it they can nominated the cinematography in PHANTOM OF THE OPERA but not the groundbreaking camerawork of COLLATERAL? People will be studying COLLATERAL for years to come.

• What're the two best sentences in the NY Times lately?

"Colson Whitehead's most recent book is ''The Colossus of New York.'' He is at work on a novel about the adhesive bandage industry."

• The Crazy Weatherman clip has been going around. Really, you should check it out, if you haven't. It's like watching what curdled milk tastes like.

• You want five reasons why Patton Oswalt is a genius? Fine, fucko:

"Like drinking a cupcake and handjob smoothie."

"Bend over abigale may, here comes the gravy pipe."

"Your twat smells like a baby's coffin."

"Redskins/Cowboys-- Catch it! ...Like a pussy soaked in apple juice."

"You want to smell like dirt a hobo a fucked?"

Go buy his epic stand at the 40 Watt Club 222 right now.

• I managed, in one sad and embarrassing three minute conversation with Kel last night, to violate all six of Alex de Campi's Six Temptations.

• Have listened to the new, leaked, unsequenced, unmixed, and unmastered Beck record. Someone explain Beck to me, please.