On first listen I was pretty bored. On second listen, boredom became outright disappointment. Ahh, well.

The title track throbs with some of the blood and guts those first four Stripes records had. In fact, that seems to be people's default defense of THUMP-- but don't you think it sounds like their early records?-- and, yeah, I mean, sure, it does, but that don't make it good. It just means it sounds old.

I love the line "you can't be a pimp and a prostitute, too"-- that's that Jack White swagger that's all too rare these days, but even then it's in a song that's a minute too long. The Jack White of DE STIJL would've cut this shit at 3 minutes even and moved on.

"You Don't Know What Love Is" sounds like a Matchbox 20 master tape that got coffee spilled on it. Seriously-- close your eyes and think about that Rob Thomas guy. Give me your heart, make it real, or just forget about it. I get bored around 3:10 here after the 'put your load right on me' riff.

Next up is a 5 minute+ slog jam that sounds like “Riders on the Storm” with the occasional breakbeat. Then it's like even Jack got bored and explodes out the middle with a squawk of a... well, "solo" overstates it some. I think about the shrieking parrot in CITIZEN KANE that Welles threw in because he worried that the audience would be falling asleep. Blargh. Next.

"Conquest" I like. Until the singing starts.

"Bone Broke" sounds like it fell off of White Blood Cells. And it FEELS like it fell off of WBC too, and that's a crucial distinction on this record. The White Stripes too often are sounding like the world's biggest White Stripes fans, you know? They sound like the innovation and not the innovators anymore.

The next song is something about a “Prickly Thorn” or somesuch? It drones on and on until I can't believe I'm actually still listening to it. Seriously, I thought it was some kind of mistake when I first heard it. On a second listen, I realize the mistake isn't on MY end. "St. Andrew" starts off like John Cale playing a cover of “Baba O’Riley”. Is that Meg singing? Is she vocoded upwards? Jesus CHRIST, what the fuck is wrong with this record?

"Little Cream Soda" gets down in it fast. It's the White Stripes reimagined as Pig Destroyer, and I kind of love it. Like the best tracks here it feels related to their older work but not tied to it; it sounds like the band you wanted the Stripes to become rather than the curiosity they actually became. This might be my favorite track on the record.

"Rag & Bone" isn't bad either. But, like listening to the Stones dick around with blues riffs, even the Old Good Stones, it's kinda Steak-Umm and not so much steak, you know?

"I'm Slowly Turning Into You" feels like what it is-- late second half of the album filler. Don't let the church organ fool you-- the head and the chorus are really the best thing going here.

"A Martyr for My Love for You" sticks the landing and grooves right along. The "House of the Rising Son" keyboard is back, but the riff just sucks it right up and plows along. I've never been superfond of their midtempo slowjams but this one's good.

"Catch Hell Blues" dies from its complete predictability. It's not bad, but like so much else here it just... does what it does by rote. There's no shock, no gasp, no awesome summer jam demanding repeat. And that's reinforced by "Effect & Cause," like 'Honky Tonk Woman' or something, the album ender boldly striking a watered down and weird question mark or ellipses or something.

So there's three tracks to like-to-love. I feel like I've lost the plot, like the deal has changed. I'm Donald Sutherland, jaw hanging down, pointing at the pods that, at best, once were the great and shining future of rock and, at their most modest, crafted if not lasting jams than surely entertaining ones worth listening to again and again, windows down, stereo up. I don't get what other people are getting from this. I'm not getting anything at all.